I turned 40 today, and so figured what better day to practice some self-care? In all honesty, I’ve been feeling like shit most of the year. My mental health took a nose-dive last spring at the start of all this bullshit, and hasn’t really gotten any better. Winter, was especially hard. We lost two pets, our aunt and our grandma in the span of a month. But spring is coming, and here’s to 40 – and hopefully, to a better year.

Inspiration for the shoot came from this kick-ass picture I’ve had saved on my phone forever (sorry I wish I could credit the original artist but I’m sure you can bring it into Google Images) and credit for the pics goes to my “I’m not a photographer” husband Albert. (Love you babe, thank you for loving me).

It was a good birthday though. I spent the day at home, which is exactly how I like it best. My two sisters and good friend all popped over for a visit, and my mama comes soon. I made my kick-ass jerky and snacked on that all day, and listened to the new vinyl album my husband bought. Truly, a blessed day, with very minimal crying (lol most of the crying was after seeing how much weight I’d lost in these pictures – damn I miss my curves!!!). Depression has really taken it’s toll on my body the last few years, it was kind of shocking to see and forced me to step on a scale and notice the double (not triple) digits. My goal is to get back up to at least 115 by the end of the year. Fingers crossed if I post a series for my 41st I’m at least 20 lbs heavier.

Recently, I noticed a photo in my sponsored ads of a girl dancing in a dress. There were dozens of comments. “Lola needs a sandwich” “Ugh. Gross. Way too skinny” “advertisers like you are what cause women to be bulimic/anorexic. This is disgusting” etc. etc. etc. Thankfully, the comments were removed the next time I looked at the ad – because my goodness what is that doing to the self esteem of people, like the model in the ad, like myself, who would LOVE to gain weight, they’re just not built that way, or they’re really suffering from some sort of mental illness or physical ailment causing them to not be able to gain weight. We have become so accepting of “bigger” which is BEAUTIFUL! I freaking love that we have become so accepting – but this “bigger is better” mentality is backward progress is it not? ALL bodies are beautiful. I wish mine were 20 lbs heavier, but I am celebrating it how it is NOW. This body has endured so much shit. A childhood full of abuse. An abusive first relationship. Rape, on more than one occasion. So many tears, and bruises and heartaches and so much pain. But this body has also birthed FOUR INCREDIBLE BABIES! These breasts have nourished life. These arms have held someone as they cried, and hugged someone as they laughed. These lips have kissed boo-boos better, and these eyelashes have given countless butterfly kisses to my little ones. The wrinkle between my eyebrows – it’s my worry spot. It’s because I’m constantly furrowing my eyebrows and stressing over the children of the world. The lines on my face are from 40 years of both gut-wrenching sobs and exuberant laughter. This body has lived and it has LOVED. It has loved SO DAMNED HARD. So does it not, in turn, deserve to BE LOVED?




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